Bewildering water….

Photo by Michal Matlon on Unsplash

Selling a house presents its own set of issues, but I was totally unprepared for the water imbroglio. Totally…

Let’s slide through the basics. My house is on the market. I’m not living there, but still paying utility bills. Received my online water bill and just about keeled over. The charge was easily 10 times the size of my usual bill, even considering that I hadn’t lived there for 6–7 weeks. (Thank heavens, I’d just finished my morning meditation.)

I would describe myself as a defensive pessimist. Gaming as many worst-case scenarios as I can to ratchet down my anxiety. I made a quick start (because I’m really good at this.) Without boring you, possibilities ranged from broken pipes in every house location I could imagine, needing an inner tube to negotiate the house interior, and a flooded crawl space. There were a few others I’d prefer not to mention…

Level-headed Jan floated back fairly quickly and called the plumbing company owned by a neighbor. Used every chit I could in this situation - humor and civility being right at the top. These are the most popular folks in town so I felt beyond grateful that one of their plumbers came out by noon. Met Mike at my house and watched (that’s inaccurate; I held my breath) as he did a thorough assessment. The first piece of good news was that my inner tube was not needed.

There was no leak. Zip. So what the….?

Mike and I discussed possibilities for this outrageous water bill, including a broken meter. As he climbed into his truck to depart, he smilingly offered a few other thoughtful options, including a water witch incursion or a rapacious contractor purloining my water. Yeah. Right. Sure. 😉

Found my “responsible” cap, donned it, and called the company that manages my neighborhood’s water. Great service rep which was a real gift since my neighborhood collectively reviles this water management company. He checked my water usage and discovered that over the course of six consecutive days in December, my house had disgorged 31,000 gallons of water! Then the usage ended. Just. Like. That.

Speechless; me, that is. Once I found my voice again, I requested that a technician come out and check my meter. I was politely informed that I was also on the hook for the bill. “Perhaps you should call the police and let them know?” This was the booby prize.

Hang on, just about finished. (Are you treading water yet?) The tech came out the next morning and called to let me know the meter was as fit as a fiddle (%#$@**.) Such a bummer. As I shared my tale of water woe and its sheer unbelievability, she (shockingly) explained that occurrences like mine are actually becoming more frequent, with a focus on vacant houses. Ouch. Contractors illegally loading up on water at odd hours, dusk, or night. (One of my neighbors provided me with a blurry video feed.) The kind tech’s final words, prior to hanging up, were “What has happened to people?” Sigh. (This “people” plans to educate other neighbors about the pitfalls of an empty house.)

What can I say? I do have a sense of humor, some funds in the bank, am not in Ukraine, or California, and on occasion, have a gift for storytelling. And this is some story.

Oh, and and by the way, just for the heck of it, I googled the approximate size allocation of 31,000 gallons of water. It would fill a 20‘ x 40‘ swimming pool.