My TV guilt….

Photo by hailey fisher on Unsplash

I graduated a long time ago (yay therapy and aging) from the school of co-dependence, needing and wanting overt permission from someone to do something. Well, that’s a relief!

Uh oh, spoke too soon.I forgot about TV. TV? Watching TV. I experience guilt watching TV. Just settling in, relaxing, feet up on an ottoman, getting ready to view TV, and suddenly feel as if I’m looking over my shoulder for what I should be doing instead. Wandering through my head repeatedly is a voice intoning: You Are Wasting Time. You Are Wasting Time by watching TV. I should be doing something worthwhile, something of value or importance.

Oh my. Something of Value or Importance. No personal indictments here, right? (None whatsoever.)

Now here’s the puzzler. If watching TV with friends, I’m (mostly) without self-judgment. My friends are happily viewing whatever we’re watching, so I’ve been given permission to do the same (minus 3/4 of my usual guilt.) It appears I require a blessing from others to participate in a culturally approved past-time, TV watching.

I thought I was past all this business of needing approval for certain activities. Hmmm…Where to go from here? Great question. Will risk diving into the deep rabbit hole of “why watching TV is guilt-inducing for me.” Deep breath…

Returning to those persistent (and judgmental) words going through my head: “I should be doing something of value or importance” rather than watching TV. Like?

• Benefiting the world;

• Being kind;

• Supporting the emotional and spiritual growth of others;

• Modeling vulnerability;

Hey, great!

Sounds wonderful.

Caring.

Way to go, girl!

Wonderful values and intentions, probably shared by most of the people I know. But they can watch TV with, I’m guessing, impunity. I can’t!

Going deeper into the rabbit hole. My age. There was a time in my life, a few decades ago, when I watched TV with enjoyment. Looked forward to the weekly series to which I was wed. And considerably prior to that, there was a slightly addictive and very brief period when I used TV as a drug. A very cheap and ubiquitous drug when I felt empty inside. Nothing like being real, is there?

One of the things I most love about writing is unwinding a personal puzzle and, of course, with a requisite amount of humor. That’s happening as we speak. Back to my age. The prism through which I now perceive life is mighty different than it was a couple of decades ago. I continue looking forward to growing as a human being, but realize it’s unlikely that I have several more decades in front of me. My inborn penchant for “should-isms” (a psychological family heirloom I could do without) has likely kicked into higher gear as a result of putatively having less time in front of me.

And, like so many of us who live in our results-driven culture, I want to know I’ve done enough for the world (good luck on that one.) But again, paralleling our production-focused cultural values, I forget about nurturing the nurturer - moi. I can’t contribute to nurturing the world without nurturing myself.

Which leads me to self-care and mind wandering, also called unguided attention. Mind wandering, such as? Watching TV. (Eureka!) Mind wandering is good for us and can lead to new ideas or innovations (for maybe helping the world?😉) Untethered from a specific focus, watching TV lets our minds wander which can increase creativity and problem-solving. Go mind wandering, go!

So without further belaboring the point, I’m heading toward the living room and a healthy dose of self-care and enjoyment - watching “All Creatures Great And Small” on PBS, alone. (Bye, guilt.)