That dream from…. Hades?
I had a dream. An unbelievable dream. An embarrassing and mortifying one. A dream in which my behavior was, seriously, off the charts of my present-day, waking, value system.
I was absolutely startled remembering this dream after awaking.
No!
Me? This was me?!
Not my today “me?” No way.
Nonetheless, I still dreamed that dream. Oh God, just so embarrassing! More frightening is the possibility I’m not the person I think I am. I mean, all those years of therapy, self-help potpourri, digging deep inwardly…. Doesn’t that count?
Just incredibly startled, followed by a boatload of self-criticism, does not make for an idyllic morning. (Does it?) I’d have headed for the hills (if we had any) for a deep nature-dunk, to soothe my judging heart. Paddling through a churning sea of self-criticism, hoping sharks are, otherwise, occupied. Oh wait, I’m doing a pretty good shark imitation myself, aren’t I? Sharply biting….
Whoa! I mean, just, whoa! In this unexpected dream I was, oh no, a fallible and imperfect human being. (You’re not fallible and imperfect?) Now, wait just a moment. Am I saying that only in dreams am I a fallible and imperfect human? Only in dreams? Get a life, girl! For the most part, I’m pretty accountable to my values in my waking hours. But, you know….
Here’s a thought, I’m also accountable for how I treat myself after remembering this unfortunate dream. Let’s beat up Jan because she’s human and has her foibles, whether in dreams or real life? Way too much talk of “beating up.” My inner pacifist is getting a stomach ache.
Solace appeared from a long-remembered (and probably misquoted) line from a favorite book, “We try to live good lives, but take out the change in bad dreams." Despite our living responsible lives, fear and anger will still leak out in our dreams. And I know I ain’t alone in this.
My dream’s capacity to feel toxic, slowly, drained away…