Free to be me (or did I steal that title?)

Looking through window at woods

Cutting right to the chase. (You’re welcome.) I have a little internal whisperer. No, no, not a mental health issue (I don’t think.) We all have access to inner wisdom, voices helping guide us, strong inclinations indicating “this way, not that,” personal markers for knowing how to move forward in our lives. Of course, let’s be honest, we don’t always pay attention to this innate guidance. In fact, there are often so many buffeting external factors nosing us toward “Do this! or “NO, do that!”, listening inwardly can be a real challenge. (You’ve been there? It can be exhausting, right?)

So, yes, I have a little whispering voice. I’m going to be kind and say we have accompanied each other throughout my life. And not always willingly, on my part. (That’s actually a bit of an understatement.) Lying on my living room couch, staring out at the canopy of trees, I will often hear that familiar little voice, “Jan, for heaven's sake, there are so many people hurting in the world and you’re just lying on the living room couch staring out a window.” Shouldn’t you be doing something more? You know, impactful and worthy of living in this world?”

Impactful? World-worthy?

“Bettering the world…or something.”

I then silently explain to my little whisperer that I truly am a good human being, present for other people and stepping up as an advocate when needed. Yes, it’s true, a bit OCD when organizing committees I chair, but people generally thank me at a later date. (They’ve come to see the light?) I then tick off other personal and worthy characteristics in this defensive litany of “Jan Hutton is a good person in the world,” inclusive of being a caring listener, intuitive, and funny, to boot. So there!

So there, what? That questionable “what” is really a query for my little whisperer. Can I return to staring out the window at nature’s beauty now that I’ve proven myself a worthy and caring citizen? “There’s the rub!” (Can you tell I’ve read Hamlet from this quote? Oh, wow, also need to add this to the litany of proving my worth in the world.)

Gimme a break.

The real issue, my little whisperer, is that I feel defensive when I hear your ongoing prod to better the world, 24/7. (Taking a stand for Jan, here.) What I truly need is the capacity, the freedom, to listen to MY own inner wisdom, my unique calling for how and when to walk in the world. This uniquely personal knowing often unfolds in silence, vis-à-vis, lying on my living room couch and feeling pulled into the canopy of trees outside. Listening inwardly.

Hey, little whisperer, isn’t that what you really want of me, and maybe all of us? Honoring our self-care so that each of our gifts becomes increasingly illuminated and therefore more available to nurturing the world? It’s a lovely twofer…