Oh, come on, let the light in!
Me?
Angry?
No!!!
Of course not!!
No! I’m just…. Well, OK, I’m angry and it’s wisping out of my ears (which means my anger is evident and in direct contrast to my avowed image of being a peaceful Quaker.)
What is wrong with me? I should have greater emotional control. Making barbed comments do not align with my self-image of peaceful communication.
(Excuse me, thou art human; just a minor detail, of course.)
As you might have surmised, I’m struggling with temper control. Me! Temper control! Heretofore I would have considered loss of temper and Jan to be an oxymoron. And yet, today, I’m incredibly self-critical because I seem unable to fully inhabit my value of not displaying uncalled for anger.
Calling a time-out. Do some exploring…
Several years ago, I was diagnosed with the C-word. You know what I’m referring to, right? It’s not a word I like and do find toxic, but cutting to the chase - cancer. Now, we’re all on the same page. Yes? Great.
Since finishing treatment and maintaining ongoing visits with multiple MD providers, I’ve had a much sharper edge to my temper. The kind of edge which, to some degree, mystifies me. My distance from being emotionally grounded to suddenly being pulled along by the temper rapids is, well, very short. Sort of the proverbial 0 to 60 mph in seconds flat. And to top it off, braking my anger is a real challenge. Like trying to contain flood waters, topping a dam.
As someone who has a life-long belief in maintaining self-control, this “0 to 60” emotional propulsion is perplexing and a bit scary. I’ve yet to be completely submerged in the rapids of temper, but what an EFFORT it takes to dog paddle away from the edge (and I was never a strong swimmer to begin with.)
OK, OK, here’s a question I’ve asked myself about this phenomenon. Am I angry due to the ‘ol c-diagnosis? (That would be pretty straightforward, wouldn’t it?) And the answer is “I don’t think so.” The initial propulsion of angry emotions first occurred 2 months prior to the diagnosis. (Although, I’m guessing my body’s innate wisdom was already aware of the c-word, but my conscious mind was not.)
Where the heck does this leave me in my inability to fully control my temper? And yes, my less-than-compassionate stance toward myself for actually having these bouts with temper? Oy!
I would love a straightforward answer.
I don’t have one. Sigh. What I do have are these deeply hopeful words from Rainer Maria Rilke, the late German poet:
“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves…Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing, live some distant day into the answer.”
My just-wants-an-easy-answer self so wishes I could Google and check off little boxes suggesting self-help items, regarding temper mitigation. It just isn’t happening. Looks like I’ll need to persist in discerning answers, answers that include, oh yes, you’re still a good person, Jan, even if you’re occasionally falling short of your values. OK…..
It’s rainy and overcast outside today and I’m sounding rather cranky about yet another challenging internal journey of discovery. (Enough already!) Time for a reframe.
“There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in.” (Leonard Cohen.)
Oh, my, so much more uplifting to my spirit. A reframe worth embracing.