It’s A Journey!

Feeling whole

I forget. I just forget. I guess it’s a human thing.

What did I forget? I really thought I had a good handle on a chronic physical condition of mine. I dug deeply inward when this condition was first diagnosed, emerging with what I thought were incredibly wise self-perceptions regarding this ongoing journey. Incredibly wise. Yay, me!

Five years later, meaning now, I’m having a reoccurrence of this condition. And discover I’ve forgotten everything. All my wise and grounded self-perceptions…forgotten. Gone. Makes me question whether I really had them in the first place. My size 9 feet are firmly planted, once again - back on square one.

Ok, ok, I won’t play guessing games… or maybe I will. This recurring condition, a six letter word, begins with the letter c and ends with an r. Are you getting close? Oh, heck, since I’m a nice person, I’ll make your life easier and just tell you-cancer.

Hey, I’ve got great care, more wonderful medical providers than I can shake a stick at, and a loving support system. (Hey, please, please, if you know any of my wonderful medical providers, don’t share I’m shaking a stick at them!)

But, geez, those missing-in-action wise perceptions. The perceptions that helped my feet find the ground after, first, being diagnosed. Wise perceptions reframing the medical system’s constant use of “how is your disease?“ I intensely dislike the word “disease.” I feel pretty much reduced to being seen, only, as that disease. The entirety of my human-ness seems to become only a speck in the universe of - “your disease.”

Backtrack! Backtrack! I love my providers. Their primary focus is on disease and the patient’s return to good health. I get it, but…..

….Wise perception re-emergence! Wise perception re-emergence!

In a disease-focused world, bolstering my wholeness as a full human being is my responsibility. Yay, for great medical care and its focus on disease. Equally, yay for my continuing capacity to view myself as a human on an ongoing journey, not solely, Jan with a disease. My inner light, my inner voices will, as they have for many years, continue to lead me toward the well of my wholeness, no matter what shape my body may be in.

After a challenging day at the Medical Center, the universe was kind enough to share a touch of wonder with me. Walking back to the parking deck, I couldn’t find the time-sensitive parking ticket each driver receives on arrival. Aye yai yai! No dice. @&#$?&!

At the toll booth, I explained. The toll worker said that lost tickets cost beaucoup bucks. Shaking my head, I reached over for my credit card. The exit gate, inexplicably, opened. Looking quizzically at the attendant, she winked at me, saying “Merry Christmas” (in March, grant you) and waved me out. As I left, with thanks to the parking angel, you should’ve seen the smile on my face…