I said what?!

Building a bridge to others

Don’t we all indulge in really, really tempting activities, knowing they might still leave bruises on our souls, hearts, or whatever’s deepest within us? Oh, come on, can we be human, fallible, and honest with each other?  Think you’re alone with your peccadilloes? You’re not!

Speaking of ongoing human challenges (we are, aren’t we?), the temptation in our polarized culture to publicly shame others can be oh-so strong. “Subjecting someone to disgrace, humiliation, or disrepute, especially by public exposure.” Ouch. Swinging that cudgel of words (spoken or written) can feel just SO satisfying, so cutting-down-to-size, so powerful, and let’s face it, so full of “yays!”

It is tantalizing and satisfying (and so human) to think about shaming someone publicly who has upset, triggered, or hurt me. Talk about the perceived public vindication when sharing this shaming with others. (Yes!!!) Oh, come on, I’m betting we’ve all been there at one time or another. (You haven’t? Perhaps it’s time to take a closer look…)

Each of us has a unique way of communicating. As a Quaker (no, no, I don’t wear bonnets or long dresses, but do admit to liking oatmeal), I feel committed to building bridges of viable communication with others, if at all possible. Omigosh, how do I show some regard for the humanity of the ‘other’ even when we look through vastly different prisms? (Admittedly, a lifetime’s work, but hopefully, the modeling of these intentions might plants seeds of peaceful communication in others. Obviously, I’m a big fan of seed planting!)

Enter the obituary…

Whoa, whoa! Obituary? How does an obituary enter this fray?Are we still on the same page, let alone in the same universe??

We are, indeed.

A putative obituary helps remind me of my deepest values - am I successfully living them. Yea? Nay? If “nay,” how do I find compass north again?

Human that I am - imperfect, struggling, sometimes rejoicing - it’s helpful to have a tangible reminder if I’m just about to fall off my tightrope of acceptable behavior. When teetering toward what I would characterize as my DARK SIDE (admit it, you’ve got one, too), I try to consider whether a particular behavior warrants mention in a future obituary. For example, “Jan was good at publicly shaming others.” Not!

Speaking of obituaries, I recently bumped into a powerful reminder for how to better tame my culturally-infused temptation toward publicly shaming. The late John Hope Franklin, an esteemed African-American historian who taught at Duke, delivered the goods. From his obituary:  “John Hope Franklin looked at those who opposed him and saw fellow human beings.”

Me, too, I hope; me, too…