Here I am, lying on my comfy couch, staring out the front windows at the trees, sunlight, crows swooping up and down amidst the dandelions - Chatham County, NC doing what it does best, bursting with nature (and, of course, lots of pollen.) Incredibly restful. I just sold my house and am exhausted from the long drawn-out process. Gimme a break. Restful feels very appealing. And all the while, in the back of my mind, I hear that little, teeny voice, whispering “Shouldn’t you be doing something useful?”
Like what? I’m relaxing and enjoying myself.
“Well, you know, doing something to help others.” The subtext threading lightly through my head: “Do something instead of being indolent and just lying on the couch and staring outside.” Oh my, been there, heard that TOO MANY TIMES! Too many.
That little whispering voice has been an uninvited lifelong companion. Uninvited, but clearly fomenting enough discomfort in my life that we, that little, whispering voice and I, need to have, yet, another conversation.
“Oh, geez, do we have to? Can’t I just continue staring out the window?”
“Well sure, but that little whispering voice is on an endless loop…”
“Point made.”
Deep breath. I can do this (whatever this is.)
Let’s start with - this. This being a conversation with that (occasional) endless loop in my head of “You’re not being useful.” And honestly, that conversation with myself about “not being useful” is no infrequent visitor. Sometimes, I think we reach a detente, a comfortable resting place, and then that little nagging voice breaks detente and here we are again. And I revert to a snappish “just leave me alone” counter retort. (Um, how old are we now, Jan? Taking the fifth on that…)
In the midst of this escalating internal argument, a healthy thought pops up. “Let’s go looking for a little wisdom!” Over the course of many years, I’ve tried to capture wisdom (yeah, right!) by copying and pasting snippets into my Wisdom file. I never set up a table of contents since I didn’t realize I’d be plopping nuggets in this file for so many years.
How the heck do I find wisdom nuggets in the voluminous file? I don’t. Like many things in life, the wisdom nuggets find me. Based on my deep internal trust that they’ll wave their little hands and go “thar she blows” when I’m ready. No pushing or shoving, only my internal door ajar, welcoming possible light…
A nugget found me this time, as well. And I have absolutely no memory, at all, of plopping these words from William Wordsworth’s “Tintern Abbey” into my Wisdom file. None. But they were there when needed (as often things are.)
“That in this moment
there is life and food
For future years.”
I forget, all too often, that in being present to others, I need to nurture myself, too. What a concept. The natural beauty right outside my windows is, indeed, “life and food for future years.” I’m stocking up on free nurturance for whatever the way forward brings. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my couch is calling…
My couch is calling…
Especially after one has gone through a move, one needs a rest. We forget that moving, perhaps downsizing but at any extent, moving is on the list of the most stressful of life's activities. Especially in this country, we don't encourage rest. That voice of yours is the culture, or Janet Jackson - "What have you done lately?" I wrote a poem in high school asking if I put the whip down, what will keep me going? It is hard to listen to the voice giving oneself permission to "rest" and recuperate in whatever way we see fit. Yes, there will be time to help others, to do again for others, but how incredibly freeing and therapeutic if one values one's own authentic needs in the moment. How rare, and how important. Set the example. Numerous books have come out on this in recent years. You are not alone in recognizing the importance of it, and the difficult process of letting go of ours and others expectations of us.
You always ieave me with something to think about. love. Shirley