It’s back!
What a conundrum! I love Fall. Hard not to. It’s a season with a built-in “oh wow“ factor. Multi-colored leaves, swirling every which way as they drop off trees. Mesmerizing, right?
Ah, but that conundrum thing. It’s vexing to me that Fall, with all its beauty, is also accompanied by an inner sense of loss. (Well, yeah, leaves ARE dropping off the trees. I’d call that “loss.”) I want unabashedly to love the magic of the swirling, many-colored leaves, and mostly I do. But I also experience sadness, and frankly, I’m resentful of the sadness’s presence, its bittersweet tinge to the majesty of the season.
“Bittersweet” tinge?
For the inquiring among you…
While driving today, my mind, a bit like the falling leaves, floated back to images of a much, much younger me. Probably still wearing my hair in braids. This little braided one is driving an amusement park go-kart, round and round a circular track, dreaming of days to come when she can drive a REAL car, a REAL car on a real road! Wow! Fantasizing about future days of “adulting” and all I imagine that might bring. Filled with wonder.
But just as suddenly, I experience a turning of the tables. My (mostly) grownup adult mind, now actually inhabiting my once-dreamed about future of driving a REAL car, cycled right back to the wonderment of my younger go-karting self. There was an inherent sense of magic, of joyful expectation in those future imaginings. And now I find myself mourning the loss of the beloved wonder accompanying that daydreaming.
Similar memories, mostly joy-filled, also elicit the poignancy of times gone by, never to be re-experienced. Those wonder-filled moments are artifacts of my past. Times that can never, realistically, be revisited simply because their time was finite to begin with. Honestly, I’m sad and frustrated that the beauty of falling autumn leaves transports me back to lovely memories, but memories tinged with sadness since they are long-past and only exist, now, in my memory.
Oh no! Mea culpa! Thank heavens, I finally paid attention to that little, insistent, voice in my mind repeating, “celebrate.” Celebrate! Celebrate what? Celebrate all those lovely nostalgic memories stimulated by the season, even if they cannot be recaptured experientially. They are still the transcendent building blocks of the self I am now.
“Bless that old self. They did such a great job with what they knew. They made you who you were–all the mistakes and heartbreak and naivety and courage. And blessed who you are now.” ~ Kate Bowler: Duke Divinity School, Theologian
Oh, a reminder, an incredibly encouraging reminder. My sense of wonder is not relegated solely to my younger self. Wonder still abounds at whatever age. I simply need to pay attention, and hey, I’m starting right now. (Oh, come on, join me!) See you out among the falling leaves.
We wanted so badly to be adults. This is not exactly what I envisioned. And, it has gone by so fast!
Lucky you having a real Fall. No Fall in Houston. Our leaves never change color. But we do have lovely evergreens. And we have the Gulf coast. We don’t get snow often, but we do have some Chamber of Commerce Days! And, as you said, we do have so much to celebrate!!