….but is it worthwhile?
I have an internalized (and controlling) abacus counter. Do you? Oh, what’s an abacus counter? An ancient wooden device used for counting and calculating by sliding small beads along rods. My own exacting abacus counter (boo, hiss!) keeps a precise count of what I’m doing that’s worthwhile in the world and more often, what’s NOT worthwhile.
Worthwhile and all its synonyms, the operative words in this abacus-counting mania, are almost always followed by an exclamation point. An exclamation point denoting the IMPORTANCE of my constant engagement in doing something worthwhile(!). Kind! Compassionate! Contributing to goodness, modeling worthiness, adding value to a burdened world! (Wondering if headphones might impede the sound of my abacus counter sliding her beads to and fro while tracking my worthwhile(!) behaviors in the world? Note to self: check for headphone sales online.)
But, hey, what activities do not qualify as worthwhile(!) in my abacus counter’s tracking? I’ve twisted myself into a pretzel around this question for a number of years. What about those not too-long-ago halcyon days of being completely immersed in literate mysteries (ceding absolutely no thought to doing something worthwhile(!) other than being transfixed by the book I was reading.)
Oh, and I certainly can’t forget my even earlier immersions in wonderful young adult fiction and, oh geez, all those Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman comic books my mother happily purchased for me. No presence, then, of an internalized abacus counter telling me my activities were not worthwhile(!). I was just enjoying myself, absent the sword hanging over my head of “is it worthwhile(!)”
Oh my! Just a minute! Doesn’t rest count? Self-care? Can’t I just play online boggle for a while? (Yep, that’s me in a wheedling dialogue with my abacus counter.)
How the heck did my resident, earnest, abacus counter of worthwhile(!) activities take over my life? What happened to my free-spirited self who could get lost in reading, playing online boggle, and just…being? Well, you asked…
A quickie dissection of my worthwhile(!) conundrum. Somewhere, just past the year 2000 aughts, our collective public dialogue caught a bug, a massive incivility virus. Yup. We called each other names, judged up the wazoo with serious finger-pointing, became seemingly intractable in our beliefs, and the practice of trolling others became a playground for all. Not fun, but sadly omnipresent.
In light of this, I felt called to change my not always sterling behavior in these arenas. All manner of reading fiction went by the wayside. Totally. Rapacious would not be an understatement in describing my change in reading habits. My daily bread became the discernment of paths inclusive of more compassionate listening, speaking, and behaving. And, of course, this journey toward civility seems never ending, considering the universal presence of inciting triggers. All over the place…
In this battlefield of incivility, my internal abacus counter sprang to life. “Here, I’ll help you focus, 24/7, on worthwhile(!) activities to succor our straining world.” And so it was, and is. (Help! Is there an escape hatch from all this “worthwhile-ness?” It’s exhausting.)
And then there was (and is) the personal discovery that I can’t humanly do 24/7 incivility virus containment and behavior changing. (Hmmm…I bet you already knew that.) What I can do is serious intermittent micro-changing. Yes, you read that correctly. I can (and do) contribute to others in small, but manageable ways. And, hey, these interventions run the gamut from saying “hi” to everyone (everyone!) during the course of my day, chatting up a disconsolate grocery store cashier, and waving to all my neighbors who are out walking in our neighborhood.
By the way, a word to the wise. Plagues of niceness are contagious and tend to spread. This is a plague with which I can live and my abacus counter approves of it, as well. I’d say this is a twofer, wouldn’t you?