Are you cracked, too?
What word that often makes me feel downright embarrassed, contracting my shoulders, and blinking my eyes, uncomfortably, as in “Did I really say or do that?” Vulnerable. That word. Vulnerable.
Yep, those oh-so human qualities that I’d just love to keep behind locked doors. “I’m weak! I was so inappropriate!” But, damn, that locked door just wants to open sometimes. The sheer effort of hiding my vulnerabilities from other human eyes can be absolutely exhausting.
You think you’re the only one who has embarrassing moments in your past (ok, truth be told, even just 5 minutes ago?) The continuing shame of how we might have done things differently, trying to deny our perceived loneliness, our sadness. Of course, as you know, YOU ARE the only person in the United States who ever feels lonely or sad. Right?
Give me a break! Our culture applauds our ‘yay’ emotions - joy, contentment, fill in your own favorites here. And our ‘not-so-yay’ vulnerable emotions? Ooo-wee, I can just feel the shame rising in my face when I display my human vulnerabilities. My mistakes, my being human-ness, my ouches I really don’t want you to see. So often, I’m ready to have light shine only on my goodnesses. My frailties? Not so much.
Whoa, suddenly thunderstruck! Winding its way through my slightly muddled brain, I hear “What does the full range of one’s humanity mean?”
Oh, great question! Here’s my current makeshift answer. Ready? The Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz! No, no, not kidding you, or myself (I don’t think?) The good ‘ol Tin Man (hey, go back and watch the movie!) seems, to this imperfect human, wed to the path of finding a human heart, even within his tin embodiment.
I’m rather like that Tin Man, clink, clanking around. Bumping into things and then making peace with the fact that I have bumped into yet another person or thing in an unwanted fashion. I try to make excuses for myself, obscure what just occurred, or just make peace, as best I can, with the fact that I will always, always be a growing and imperfect human.
Do I have room in my heart for my own vulnerabilities? Oh gosh, so hard to say, but I often learn the most fruitful life lessons from those self-same frailties and vulnerabilities. Once I can acknowledge them, that is. Ouch.
The late, great, Canadian folk singer, Leonard Cohen wrote what I think is an anthem for imperfect humans, i.e., all of us.
“Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in…”
I may be cracked, but that’s how my light gets in. What’s your status?